I’m realising that I’ve learnt and grown up slightly the past 6 months. I might have noticed it at different points of time since the beginning of the year but in the end, most of the change has happened subconsciously and in small doses that I didn’t quite realise it until recently.
I’m growing up. I’m failing as an adult and yet I’m succeeding. It’s amazing and nerve-wrecking when the progress you know you’ve made feels minuscule when you get called out on doing things wrongly or making mistakes. Please don’t blow up in my face because I’ll just stand quietly and take it. I’ve learnt not to talk back because it get’s worse and it flies on top of my head because I take the good bits and adapt/learn the mistake into my life, but don’t judge me when I don’t always come to you for things because I’m afraid you’ll do it again. The words that come out of your mouth is sometimes harsh but I know you love me and you’re just looking out for me because you’re my dad.
This past week alone, amongst the hectic schedules and rush to catchup with people before I fly home for the winter break, I’ve contemplated much in my current predicament I call life. I’ve realised I’m making more time to do adult things, that I can portray confidence and charm; that I can look a guy in the eye and give a coy smile, that I can flirt well, that my friends support me, that I can truly dress up well when I want to; but one of the things I thought about or did had everything to do with you.
I can still remember how we met, some of the things that were said between us, those unpredictable moments that became fond memories, your eyes, your face, how it felt holding your hand, hugging you and that kiss..but it only recently clicked that I had to let you go.
Why? Because I’m not ready. I want to experience those things that I can’t help notice on the streets: the cute couples with smiles on their faces and the obvious chemistry/love between them, or with my friends: the ones with loving boyfriends and in long-term relationships; but there’s always some nagging feeling inside me that tells me to take a step back and breathe.
They say that something good happens to you when you least expect it or that if it’s meant to be, it’ll all work out so I’ll have faith in that. For now, I know my priorities don’t involve a relationship and I’ve got a few things that I need to work out with myself before I’m ready for it. Perhaps someone will enter my life in the future and show me all the things that I want in someone so I’ll continue to be optimistic but right now, I’ve got to focus on me.
I know you won’t read this and I don’t have the guts or need to tell you in person because you’ve also already decided what your priorities are in your life right now but thank you. Thank you for giving me memories that I’ll definitely remember and bring a smile to my face. It was amazing while it lasted but it’s now time to move on.